how could i?

how could i be so temporal? okay so i understand that something should be handled with care. of course not how i rushed in, made an assumption, and got offended. well don't you think there were wrongs done on both sides? i mean how was i supposed to know that it was so sensitive? i guess i should've have known because i know you so well. but what you did hurt, whether you meant to or not... i just stood there and felt my heart and my face start to burn with either a rush of blood or just a feeling of "what?! I'm sorry! i never mean to hurt anyone! and yet i somehow always do!". and then there was me, i was irrational and just so (in my opinion) carnal. So much for being Christ-like. how could i forget something so important like that? in some ways i deserved what you did. how could i? i do sincerely apologize. i looked at you and kept the same cheek there to be hit and hit again. forgive me. honestly, i can't believe that i would do something that rude and disrespectful. it was pitiful what i did. forgive me, please. forgive me...

choose

its time to choose. the indecisiveness ends here, it needs to. so choose, there are only two options for you to choose from, wisely or poorly. one way will bless you and be joyful, the other way is painful and pointless the whole way. choose. shouldn't this decision be easy? shouldn't you just pounce on the wise choice? why haven't you then? what's holding you back? can you not see what the indecision is doing to you? its tearing you apart! choose, why aren't you choosing?! come on, its so simple! please, everyone wants you to just choose and just have your life become joyful! please just choose and let all the pain and sorrow leave, to never come back. but you haven't chosen yet, why? you don't want to? why? what could you possibly benefit from not choosing? there's nothing there for you! or is there? is your choice to not choose? is that what you want? its not, but its where you are. you seem like you don't want to move or choose, so it must be where you to be.... its time to choose. there are three options for you to choose from; wisely, poorly, or not at all. choose. what's your choice?

everything

its funny. every single entry i put in, i still know how i felt then, because i still feel the same way

i love you

i love you, i love all my friends, i think we're close friends. if im right, then yes i love you, i truly do. which is why i know you wont take it the wrong way. but hey! do you remember me? of course you do! how could you not? right? you do remember what we've gone through right? wow, guess our friendship needs work, is it my fault? is it yours? no, its not. of course i could be saying that because im too nice. whos fault is it? it needs work, so do i still love you? of course i do! im too nice to not. i cant help it but love you. why doenst everyone love you? you're amazing. oh wait, they do. so does my love count? i mean look at you! you dont need it. im just more icing on the cake. no one needs more dead weight. so i'll just stand to the side and feel happy for you, but stand by myself and love each moment we have together, knowing that it'll soon be over with and you'll be with others who love you too. but i will cherish every moment together, because i do love you, thick or thin, because im too nice. then once you think we've had enough time, and im feeling like this moment can go on forever, you'll leave and i'll be by myself. i tried squeezing my self into your love group. i got shunned and ridiculed. i want to be in it. but its okay, cause i love you no matter what, please count on that. i love you.

do you hate me?

"do you hate me?" i would never hate anyone! you know way to well to think that. "do you hate me?" come on, hate is so strong, everyone gets flustered. "do you hate me?" listen to me! hate is so strong! i cant! "do you hate me?" what is hate? is it anger? jealousy? or just pure loathing? "do you hate me?" gosh, anger, jealousy, all the things that i do feel... i dont loathe you, but if hate is anger and jealousy.... do i hate you?

leave

i just want to leave. not tell anyone, dont give any clue to where i am. just leave. who would do something? not alot. maybe people would notice, maybe, but do something about it? thats out of the question. just let me leave.

tonight

honestly, tonight sucked. i was excited about the night, hanging out adn just having fun. but i got jealous, mad, idiotic, and just more worse of a person because of tonight. tonight. im glad time occurs so we have to move on. cause i just wanna get through all the crap im dealing with right now.

true friendship

its funny how my true friendships with people are usually hidden. are they embarressed about it? thanks. that makes me feel great.

im an idiot

im an idiot, i have done the same STUPID mistakes and painful things for over 2 years. 2 YEARS!!!! how stupid could i be?!?!?!?!?! gosh!! please do me a favor and just erase my memory, move me somewhere else and let me start my life over. no. dont do that, thats overexagerrating. i do that alot. haha i guess why no one really takes my pain seriously. because i overexaggerate like a girl( no offense girls) and so everyone thinks that is no big deal. its only tyler being tyler. oh forget that then. apathy is a feeling that i am longing for right now. i am such a FREAKING IDIOT!!!!!!! please the next person to read this and see me, slap me, beat me up, hurt me in any way possible and i garuntee you it wont hurt NEARLY as bad as i do iright now....

despair

despair is a funny thing.... it hurts so unbelievably bad! its torturous and so unbearable..... but whos the idiot that inflicts it? yourself.... you cause your own despair..... it stupid how that works...... how the most painful things come from yourself. i know how that feels it anyone else does.... i hate myself. im so stupid, you would think that after so freaking long in despair and just inside pain i would learn to just move on or something..... but no. im so stupid that i persist in a lost cause. please someone save me. because its apparent that i cant do it by myself.

relax

"calm down tyler!" was i agitated? i dont think i was.... "calm down tyler!" im just trying to help and figure out my friends!! so because im trying to figire out my friends.... im freaking out? maybe i am....i've been known to over-react. i just want to be of a help, or just be there.... "calm down tyler!" OKAY!!!! i get it!!!!! oh my gosh!!! i know im calm!!!!!!!!! freak just SHUT UP!!!!!!! please!!! im begging you!!!! please, just be my friend, please....... i beg of you.... im on my knees..... be my friend.........please....... "calm down tyler".... okay im sorry, will you be nice t ome now? will be my friend?

argh

AARGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what the freak is with me!?!?!?! or my friends!!!! holy crap........ i really hate this stuff right now..... just let me live my life happily......just........ ugh..... i dont eve know what i wanna say!!!! i just want all the pain and suffering and all this crap in my lie to END!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH! GAH!!!!!!

shallow

is it shallow? i want a girlfriend. it that shallow?

used to it now

im used to it now. i used to be hurt by it. but now, im used to it. is that a good thing? should i be used to it? or should i try to change it? but you know, every time i've tried to change how things work, it seems to hurt even more.... so what do i do? keep on going? or go through more pain and maybe things will change...... but even if i want to change things..... how? how do i do it? im used to it now. and i cant tell if its a bad thing. and i dont want anyone to help. because i dont want people wasting away their life to help me. and besides, who would? its just tyler. but hey, im used to it.

confused

im so confused. i dont even know where to start. my friends are playing like double personalities. all of them, last week they were all fun to hang out with, this week it was torture. even the ones that i felt closest to. it hurts, im like the odd man out in my group, there are hugs going around everywhere!!! but "oh its tyler, we can skip him with the hugs, he wont mind, he's not like everyone else, hes awkward or just weird" really? im so confused, what going on with my life? nothing has gone right for a while. seriously i wonder how death feels compared to this? who would care? would anyone remember me? im so confused. i want everyone to read this. im so confused. i want friends who wont hurt me or just brush me aside. im so confused, im not disposable and yet people treat me like i am, so am i? im so confused

people dont laugh

im not funny. its as simple as that. i try and i try. but the only way i usually make people laugh is by doing something stupid, or make fun of someone else, or just hurt myself physically or emotionally or whatever. i hate it. why cant i be as funny as my friends? all of them are funny and i laugh, even when its not funny so they wont feel bad..... im not funny. and its just one of those things that you hate about yourself i guess. and theres alot that i hate about myself.

broken

you'd think i would get used to having things like my heart being broken all the time. i dont, it hurts every time. and i let myself get hurt by the same thing every time. when will i learn?

im an idiot

i hurt myself. and i kinda do it, without thinking. i hang on. i dont want to. im an idiot because i know what to do to get myself out of the pain but i dont. i dont know if i cant or if i just dont want to. i am such an idiot.

the fire

i saw a fire burn in a house. a big fire, that burned the whole inside. i saw the smoke first. and then i wanted to go over but my friends prevented me. i think they thougth i was going to jump in there. they were probably right. when i finally got there i just watched the house burn. i sat there as such hard work and a life of memories and money was burned. i couldnt do anything. i hated it. i hated myself. i wanted to help so much. i tore me up inside. i vowed that night that i would do anything that i oculd to help anyone and everyone that needed help, in any way possible.

you're joking while i am strong

you call me stupid, retarded, slow, awkward, and an idiot. but hey, you're only joking. you talk behind my back and talk about me right in front of me. but hey you're only joking. you make fun of me until i want to crawl in a hole. but hey, you're only joking. what you do to me is worse than getting beat up. but hey, you're only joking. then when its just you and me, and no one is around to see your true self, then you say that you care. i believe it, its just who i am. i believe we are true friends, but were you only joking? personally, i dont care. because i know who i am. i know i am here for some reason. and to be made fun of isnt it. at school i still talk to you, and be your friend, but was I joking? do i care? i have my true friends. i have those where they know me, and they dont look at my flaws like you do. i guess its just yoru trait. to look at the pessimistic side. but i dont. go ahead and make fun of me. i am strong. i will not be moved because of your simple and meaningless words. i am steadfast and immovable, and there is nothing in this universe that you could do to me. to change that.

worth

i am worth so much more. i dont care what you say. you dont change anything by saying im stupid or im a retard, or anything. who are you to say im whatever YOU say i am? im worth so much more

tonight

tonight. wow. tonight was a needle to the balloon blown too big. thank you to all those who are involved. thank you so so so much. you have no idea how much you have helped me. thank you. tonight seemed so long and yet it seemed not long enough. oh my gosh. everything seemed to be just right, in the way where everything planned kinda failed.... those who were there understand. haha. everyone involved i appreciate you and care for you so unbelievably much. :)

im funny right?

im funny. not haha. im a funny weird guy. i cry, have a blog, have emotions like a girl. gosh if i didnt know me, i would think im somewhat gay. im not though, and thats what makes me funny. i guess i am haha funny. people laugh at me all the time. man i must be so popular and hilarious! people always talk about me behind my back and laugh at me, im glad i have such good friends who make me feel so good! goodness i am funny. thank you everyone who laughs at me so much! .......wait...... thats not a good funny is it? man, this truth kinda hurts, man know whenever people laugh at me, or look at me im so self-conscious. this isnt good, and they still keep doing it....

coach

coach yelled at me today. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TYLER?!?!?!" what was i doing? well as jv captain, i was being a horrible example..... i guess? "what are you doing?!" im living my life, and im trying to get something right. "what are you doing?!" im doing the very best i can to be happy about something, but what about? is there anything i can be happy about? of course. so why am i miserable? "what are you doing?!" what am i doing?

death

think about death. its going to happen, scares the crap out of most the world, and happens like every 2 seconds. we hear that kind of stuff and say " tragic...." but all of a sudden someone close dies. oh no, not me! well imagine it. imagine life without a tyler vanderstel. i know i have. im not saying that i've gone suicidal. im just saying, what would life be like for everyone in contact with me, if i just disappeared? to me, i can see no downside for anyone, except my parents, but they could get over it. i've always wondered, how far would people go to find me if i just hid away for awhile, or if i got into a tragic accident. i guess in that way, i want pain. its always seemed like a good stress reliever. but im not going to do it. no suicide or alot of self inflicted pain. is it bad if i want to though?

pain, sorrow, all that good sutff

pain. a word so greatly feared by so many. its funny, everyone hates pain and loathes it. but pain is inevitable. face it, there is no way around pain in your life. and pain is somthing that everyone has in common, thats what makes us human. my pain, haha, my pain is to me, the worst. my pain isnt physical, its in my head and my heart. i dont mean love. i mean the things that are most dear to me, hurt me. things that were once close stab ne continually. well they do good things, you know even a knife is used for something rather than cutting.....(?) well all im trying to say is that, i feel like harry potter in the 5th movie, where he is on the idea that if you get too close, then you have more to lose.
my pain is inside, and im starting to believe all those people who say im a good actor, because no one knows how much i hurt inside when i just see a bump or a eye locking moment and suddenly im out of the loop( which believe me, happens alot!). or maybe people see that im in pain and say " what a sad soul......" and leave me to wallow. my pain is from, ready for it?, my friends. yeah the people who are supposed to help me get through life are the ones killing me inside. but pain is something we all go through, now the question is why?