im an idiot

im an idiot, i have done the same STUPID mistakes and painful things for over 2 years. 2 YEARS!!!! how stupid could i be?!?!?!?!?! gosh!! please do me a favor and just erase my memory, move me somewhere else and let me start my life over. no. dont do that, thats overexagerrating. i do that alot. haha i guess why no one really takes my pain seriously. because i overexaggerate like a girl( no offense girls) and so everyone thinks that is no big deal. its only tyler being tyler. oh forget that then. apathy is a feeling that i am longing for right now. i am such a FREAKING IDIOT!!!!!!! please the next person to read this and see me, slap me, beat me up, hurt me in any way possible and i garuntee you it wont hurt NEARLY as bad as i do iright now....

despair

despair is a funny thing.... it hurts so unbelievably bad! its torturous and so unbearable..... but whos the idiot that inflicts it? yourself.... you cause your own despair..... it stupid how that works...... how the most painful things come from yourself. i know how that feels it anyone else does.... i hate myself. im so stupid, you would think that after so freaking long in despair and just inside pain i would learn to just move on or something..... but no. im so stupid that i persist in a lost cause. please someone save me. because its apparent that i cant do it by myself.

relax

"calm down tyler!" was i agitated? i dont think i was.... "calm down tyler!" im just trying to help and figure out my friends!! so because im trying to figire out my friends.... im freaking out? maybe i am....i've been known to over-react. i just want to be of a help, or just be there.... "calm down tyler!" OKAY!!!! i get it!!!!! oh my gosh!!! i know im calm!!!!!!!!! freak just SHUT UP!!!!!!! please!!! im begging you!!!! please, just be my friend, please....... i beg of you.... im on my knees..... be my friend.........please....... "calm down tyler".... okay im sorry, will you be nice t ome now? will be my friend?

argh

AARGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what the freak is with me!?!?!?! or my friends!!!! holy crap........ i really hate this stuff right now..... just let me live my life happily......just........ ugh..... i dont eve know what i wanna say!!!! i just want all the pain and suffering and all this crap in my lie to END!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH! GAH!!!!!!

shallow

is it shallow? i want a girlfriend. it that shallow?

used to it now

im used to it now. i used to be hurt by it. but now, im used to it. is that a good thing? should i be used to it? or should i try to change it? but you know, every time i've tried to change how things work, it seems to hurt even more.... so what do i do? keep on going? or go through more pain and maybe things will change...... but even if i want to change things..... how? how do i do it? im used to it now. and i cant tell if its a bad thing. and i dont want anyone to help. because i dont want people wasting away their life to help me. and besides, who would? its just tyler. but hey, im used to it.

confused

im so confused. i dont even know where to start. my friends are playing like double personalities. all of them, last week they were all fun to hang out with, this week it was torture. even the ones that i felt closest to. it hurts, im like the odd man out in my group, there are hugs going around everywhere!!! but "oh its tyler, we can skip him with the hugs, he wont mind, he's not like everyone else, hes awkward or just weird" really? im so confused, what going on with my life? nothing has gone right for a while. seriously i wonder how death feels compared to this? who would care? would anyone remember me? im so confused. i want everyone to read this. im so confused. i want friends who wont hurt me or just brush me aside. im so confused, im not disposable and yet people treat me like i am, so am i? im so confused

people dont laugh

im not funny. its as simple as that. i try and i try. but the only way i usually make people laugh is by doing something stupid, or make fun of someone else, or just hurt myself physically or emotionally or whatever. i hate it. why cant i be as funny as my friends? all of them are funny and i laugh, even when its not funny so they wont feel bad..... im not funny. and its just one of those things that you hate about yourself i guess. and theres alot that i hate about myself.