broken

you'd think i would get used to having things like my heart being broken all the time. i dont, it hurts every time. and i let myself get hurt by the same thing every time. when will i learn?

im an idiot

i hurt myself. and i kinda do it, without thinking. i hang on. i dont want to. im an idiot because i know what to do to get myself out of the pain but i dont. i dont know if i cant or if i just dont want to. i am such an idiot.

the fire

i saw a fire burn in a house. a big fire, that burned the whole inside. i saw the smoke first. and then i wanted to go over but my friends prevented me. i think they thougth i was going to jump in there. they were probably right. when i finally got there i just watched the house burn. i sat there as such hard work and a life of memories and money was burned. i couldnt do anything. i hated it. i hated myself. i wanted to help so much. i tore me up inside. i vowed that night that i would do anything that i oculd to help anyone and everyone that needed help, in any way possible.

you're joking while i am strong

you call me stupid, retarded, slow, awkward, and an idiot. but hey, you're only joking. you talk behind my back and talk about me right in front of me. but hey you're only joking. you make fun of me until i want to crawl in a hole. but hey, you're only joking. what you do to me is worse than getting beat up. but hey, you're only joking. then when its just you and me, and no one is around to see your true self, then you say that you care. i believe it, its just who i am. i believe we are true friends, but were you only joking? personally, i dont care. because i know who i am. i know i am here for some reason. and to be made fun of isnt it. at school i still talk to you, and be your friend, but was I joking? do i care? i have my true friends. i have those where they know me, and they dont look at my flaws like you do. i guess its just yoru trait. to look at the pessimistic side. but i dont. go ahead and make fun of me. i am strong. i will not be moved because of your simple and meaningless words. i am steadfast and immovable, and there is nothing in this universe that you could do to me. to change that.

worth

i am worth so much more. i dont care what you say. you dont change anything by saying im stupid or im a retard, or anything. who are you to say im whatever YOU say i am? im worth so much more

tonight

tonight. wow. tonight was a needle to the balloon blown too big. thank you to all those who are involved. thank you so so so much. you have no idea how much you have helped me. thank you. tonight seemed so long and yet it seemed not long enough. oh my gosh. everything seemed to be just right, in the way where everything planned kinda failed.... those who were there understand. haha. everyone involved i appreciate you and care for you so unbelievably much. :)

im funny right?

im funny. not haha. im a funny weird guy. i cry, have a blog, have emotions like a girl. gosh if i didnt know me, i would think im somewhat gay. im not though, and thats what makes me funny. i guess i am haha funny. people laugh at me all the time. man i must be so popular and hilarious! people always talk about me behind my back and laugh at me, im glad i have such good friends who make me feel so good! goodness i am funny. thank you everyone who laughs at me so much! .......wait...... thats not a good funny is it? man, this truth kinda hurts, man know whenever people laugh at me, or look at me im so self-conscious. this isnt good, and they still keep doing it....

coach

coach yelled at me today. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TYLER?!?!?!" what was i doing? well as jv captain, i was being a horrible example..... i guess? "what are you doing?!" im living my life, and im trying to get something right. "what are you doing?!" im doing the very best i can to be happy about something, but what about? is there anything i can be happy about? of course. so why am i miserable? "what are you doing?!" what am i doing?

death

think about death. its going to happen, scares the crap out of most the world, and happens like every 2 seconds. we hear that kind of stuff and say " tragic...." but all of a sudden someone close dies. oh no, not me! well imagine it. imagine life without a tyler vanderstel. i know i have. im not saying that i've gone suicidal. im just saying, what would life be like for everyone in contact with me, if i just disappeared? to me, i can see no downside for anyone, except my parents, but they could get over it. i've always wondered, how far would people go to find me if i just hid away for awhile, or if i got into a tragic accident. i guess in that way, i want pain. its always seemed like a good stress reliever. but im not going to do it. no suicide or alot of self inflicted pain. is it bad if i want to though?

pain, sorrow, all that good sutff

pain. a word so greatly feared by so many. its funny, everyone hates pain and loathes it. but pain is inevitable. face it, there is no way around pain in your life. and pain is somthing that everyone has in common, thats what makes us human. my pain, haha, my pain is to me, the worst. my pain isnt physical, its in my head and my heart. i dont mean love. i mean the things that are most dear to me, hurt me. things that were once close stab ne continually. well they do good things, you know even a knife is used for something rather than cutting.....(?) well all im trying to say is that, i feel like harry potter in the 5th movie, where he is on the idea that if you get too close, then you have more to lose.
my pain is inside, and im starting to believe all those people who say im a good actor, because no one knows how much i hurt inside when i just see a bump or a eye locking moment and suddenly im out of the loop( which believe me, happens alot!). or maybe people see that im in pain and say " what a sad soul......" and leave me to wallow. my pain is from, ready for it?, my friends. yeah the people who are supposed to help me get through life are the ones killing me inside. but pain is something we all go through, now the question is why?