i never felt this.

i never felt this before. a constant battle, inside my mind. on one side, reason and advice. the other excitement and joy but also pain and heartache. the reasonable side says "come over here, we wont hurt you. we're safe." the other side doesn't say anything, but gives me a look that, if it talked, would say, "come on, put some risk in your life. try it once." i look at the reasonable choice... and turn my back to it. i step towards risks, but also towards a feelings so new and wonderful... i never want to leave that side. i stay so long, then one day i take my normal routine of risks to have that wonderful feeling... except i don't feel it. instead i feel a deep scarring pain in my heart. i scream " what is this feeling?! how do i get rid of it?" i hear a voice say "you took the risk." i understand that this time i wasn't lucky when i took my usual risks. for the first time i look towards the reasonable side. it seems so serene... so i sneak away, and visit reason. i relax until that horrible pain i feel goes away. then i realize, this side is dull, so a start t o sneak away back to the risky side... then once i get halfway i remember that horrible and painful feeling i had. was it worth it to risk having that wonderful and loving feeling again? i look at the both sides... and turn my back... on reason.

just... be there.

please, the time is coming where i cant figure it out andy more. where my trials are becoming to strenuous... you're standing there. watching, going through your own tragedies... but i need you. i cant say it allowed, i dont want you to feel obligated to help me. please just reach out your hand and just be there. let me lean on you and i promise i will be there for you. just be there for me. i love you too much to ask a favor so simple and frivolous as this, but please for me... just be there.i cant stand the sight of you leaving my side. you leave and the weight of the sky comes crushing down on me. only you are strong enough to lift it. but you've already gone through too much. and now im come in and am so weak... i need you. only you can help me and stay with me for the rest of my life. only you can create that bond and covenant between us that seals and locks us together. and when that comes, i wont need you there. because i will always have you. and just that thought of you being there, will give me the strength to love and to march forward and lift the sky to where God can reach it.

confidence?

why should i have confidence in when there's nothing to be confident about?

weird

even though i feel like im WAY over my head and im confused and so lost and fighting a lost war, im the happiest i've been in a long time....

in like

i know its stupid, and i know it helps absolutely nothing, i know its probably making everything for you worse for you, which is the last thing i want. but its something that surprised me as it probably surprises you. i look at you, i talk to you, i stand next to you, and my heart skips. im with you and i cant not smile. you talk to me and everything from your eyes to you the rhythm of your walking sets my heart into a nervous wreck. and as painful and awkward as this sounds, i love it. i cant get enough of it. but please, dont change because of this. everything with you and me is perfect... enough right now. i know nothing will happen, and thats why i dont want anything to change. because if things do change, it'll be for the worse. i know no other way to say how i feel about you.... its not as delicate as just liking you, and its not as intense as being in love with you... i guess the only way to say it is.......... honey, im in like with you